I had the energy I needed for the daily trips to visit my Mum and Dad, to look after the kids and my house and I felt a vibrance I hadn't felt for years. The weight falling of honestly was just a happy coincidence. Then it happened.
My father was admitted to hospital. As I sat by his bedside, listening to doctors speak, my mind was screaming out for things I thought I no longer needed. Cigarettes, coke, chocolate, any sugar would have done. As the news from the doctors worsened throughout the afternoon, the cravings overtook me. Completely. I caved into these overpowering desires, and began a fortnight long indulgence.
I adored my Dad. He was quiet, but oh so very cheeky, and he loved me and my sister very much. He didn't say it all the time, but his actions spoke very loudly. Everyone who knew Dad loved him, his laid back manner and his quick wit shone through despite his shyness. After a beer or two, this quiet man was even funnier, and he enjoyed nothing more than a quiet beer with the fellas after a game of bowls. He was a one eyed Collingwood supporter (you can't have good taste in everything), and because he was a bit of a Working Class Man, he loved Barnsey. Most of all, he loved my Mum. They often say that the best gift a father can give a daughter is to love her mother, he did. Until his final breath.
Our final days with Dad were more painful for me than anything I've ever experienced. Holding someone's hand while they are in such pain is soul torturing. Mum and I were with him almost every moment in his last days, holding his hand, talking to him, telling him we loved him. At times, my pain was so bad I would have to take a break. During these times I needed a quick hit. Anything that would take away my pain, even if for a second. In a hospital, this is found in a vending machine. Sugar, sugar everywhere! I was grabbing coke, chocolate, lollies - the cigarettes crept back in by first night. My heart was breaking and I was self medicating with things that had worked in the past to keep myself together in stressful times.
We are so very lucky that my Dad's father, sister and brother made it to his bedside a day before he passed. Some of our dearest friends also made the trip to support Mum and I and to say their goodbyes to Dad. We were all in the room when he passed. He was surrounded by love, and his final day was painless.
In my family, I am the strong one. I'm the one who can keep it all together, for my kids, for my Mum, and for Dad. I promised him that I would look after her when he was gone, and I am, and I will continue to do so. The problem is, I'm not looking after me. The last two weeks have been a blur for me, for my family I have to be strong, to hold it together, but when I go to bed at night, I cry to the point of exhaustion. I'm not sleeping well and having nightmares. I wake in the morning and start with the self medication to attempt to fill a void that food can't fill.
I am not looking after myself at all and I'm starting to become symptomatic again. My daily pain is returning, I'm so tired and lethargic that I am starting the day with 4-5 coffees (all with sugar of course - because sugar found it's way back into my cup quickly). Intellectually I know that what I am doing is not helping, but emotionally the sugar helps. If the national average is 40 teaspoons of sugar a day, I could conservatively say I've doubled it.
A few days after Dad passed, I had arranged 2 screenings of That Sugar Film at the local cinema. They spoke in the film of the strong emotional attachment we have to sugar. I never thought I relied on sugar on an emotional level, but I obviously do. It was the very first thing I 'needed' when things got tough. As my heart broke more and more, sugar was the glue holding it together. The void in the pit of my stomach is still being filled with sugar, and for a short while after I feel better. Until I don't again. I am trying to be kind to myself, to allow my soul time to repair and I am not going to chastise myself for the choices I'm making at the moment. I am working on a plan to jump back on the bandwagon though, because this morning it hit me.
I have so many people I need to look after, so many people to check in on, to have lean on me. If I don't put me first, and look after myself - I won't be here when they need me. So I need to be ok, I need to be strong, I need to be the healthiest version of me I can be, because the one I am as I write this won't have the energy to look after the ones I love. I need to do it for my kids, for my mum, for dad, and most importantly - for me.
So watch this space. I will be back, stronger, healthier and doing it for myself. Without sugar.
(it seems almost pointless to sign off like this)
Just Eat Real Food!!!!
Much Love,
Marney xxx
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